Down the memory lane...

“I want to see the river; I want to see the place “I remember your words yet again driving in the lonely highway between Gua Musang and Kuala Krai. It was not the noisy this time when we were here last time in 1994 …remember?. Sleeping in my arms you had said that and I was looking at the scenery along the highway heading towards Kuala Krai. I want to tell you that I came back to track down the memory lane but…I don’t have you…anymore for last 10 years…what good are these place. This small town is not that lovely anymore…as they use to be when I use to think of you and your lovely smile use to caress my soul ….

Now these small town are like an empty chapter in my life, only thing I think of when I’m there is to jump to fly…to be free in cruel moments of solitude of being here without you…I want to be free of you…of life to be with you for ever again…what good is my immortality if I don’t have you…ages centuries histories will go by, but moments the one I had with you will ever be here. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m loosing your memories...I’m loosing the sense of your touch…the texture of your every single pore of your skin that use to make me feel warm and cold every little moment of our then life. Where is Kuala Krai now to make me believe that I’m alive and not a zombie lost from the herd of life and roaming in these streets to make my contribution to humanity in the insane world…

I’m lost I’m insane they tell me because I still long for the ghost that I see in my mirrors…but they forget that I…myself am a mirror who is carrying a reflection but the one whose reflection in here is not here anymore. I travel…I unravel my roots each and every time to runaway from you to be closer to you and every time I have to jump to be free of the prison that is around me as I am afraid I will end my sentence so soon...not so soon…..

Love…is a cruel word my never dying heart told me…because what is love if we are bond with nature’s cruel; games. If we are lost in our insomnia like world, let me live…let me be free of my sins…for what…Kuala Krai is still sleeping. Palaces are different but streets are orphaned. But may be some day I will reach the door where time will go back and I will find you still alive….That was the best trip we ever had because that was the last year of you and me …if we had known that …may be I would have taken you to Lata Rek… but now you have gone.

May be its time to stop writing to you…as I know it hurts you may be more then it hurts me without writing them…but I can’t keep those words unsaid unwritten that I couldn’t say holding your hands in the last moments…when I was late…too late to realize that precious things are the things that matter and nothing…absolutely nothing else should be in between us…

Maybe its time to see you…where you rest in peace in Jalan Geale…as I don’t believe you are there…because I know I carry you with me…every second every minute every inch of my heart…may be that’s what you want from me…may be someday I will be able to go back to Kuala Krai...to see the streets of the most historic town in my life and yet the most nostalgic place on earth where I lost you forever…May be I will someday wakeup from my insomnia to find where I left you…till then…Always…Me…