tiba-tiba perasaan rindu kepada dia datang bertandang lagi. Tapi aku akan biarkan saja ianya berlalu pergi walaupun sukar. Di tengah-tengah kesibukan tugas dan jadual harian yang padat aku berasa kesunyian... 

(received this from someone)
i'm not a perfect person...there are many things i wish i didn't do but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you. i'm sorry that i hurt you, its something i must live with everyday and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be... a reason to start over new, and the reason is you. i've found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know, a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you...aku yang berhenti berharap...

Berhenti Berharap (by Sheila on 7)
 
aku tak percaya lagi dengan apa yg kauberi
aku terdampar di sini tersudut menunggu mati
aku tak percaya lagi akan guna matahari
yang dulu mampu terangi sudut gelap hati ini
aku berhenti berharap
dan menunggu waktu gelap
sampai nanti suatu saat tak ada cinta kudapat
kenapa ada derita bila bahagia tercipta
kenapa ada sang hitam bila putih menyenangkan
 
reff:
aku pulang
tanpa dendam
kuterima kekalahanku
aku pulang
tanpa dendam
kusalutkan kemenanganmu
 
kau ajarkan aku bahagia
kau ajarkan aku derita
kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
kau tunjukkan aku derita
kau berikan aku bahagia
kau berikan aku derita
 

Semalam Khamis 15/7/2004 aku menerima 3 jemputan party, 2 birthday party and 1 is a thank you party organised by one of the TV station. Aku hanya dapat menghadiri satu sahaja party kerana kesemua jemputan itu waktunya serentak. i decided to attend a birthday party one of my friend which was held in one of the hotel in jln Sultan Ismail. Majlis berakhir jam 3 pagi...
 

" i heard someone whispering your name...but when i turned around to see who it was...i noticed that i was alone, then i realized it was my heart telling me that i missed you..."

"you must be prepared to care enough about something, things that are within your power to be acquire to incorporate them in your schemes without regards what is considered safe or correct or what the magazines say or what people next door think. This job is complicated so i cannot explain it briefly...i'm off to practice golf...lets try again...if people only had color shape concepts, they would have a special word for red square and one for red circle and one for green circle"

Mengapa persahabatan ini tiba-tiba berlainan rasa? sedar atau tidak...kasih sayang perlahan-lahan mengambil ruang...menyusur, menyusup di celah-celah bicara kau dan aku. Kau masih tidak sedar...bila sesekali ayatku menyonsang makna...bicaraku mula bertukar nada. Malangnya kau masih tidak sedar-sedar...atau...egokah yang meletakkan kau dan aku dalam jurang yang amat payah? mataku basah bila kau mengalah dan senduku masih kedengaran walau kau cuba menjauh..

semalam buat kali pertama aku memberanikan diri untuk berterus terang dengan SF setelah hampir 6 bulan usia persahabatan kami walaupun aku hanya mampu berbuat demikian melalui sms...

My sms : (mesej bergambar) i just wanna give a big hug for a person i don't get to see everyday but miss everytime..gud nite

Sf sms : carefull friend, i dah ada yang punya. Do you think that i'm gonna like this situation? don't treat me more than a friend...think

My sms : it just a friendly message from a friend to another friend. Thanks for reminding me...at least i know that i won't go beyond the line. Nite

Sf sms : hehe, sometimes it not just words. People can read our body language, whatz wrote and etc. Remember friend, i already at chapter 3. Hehe. Adios

My sms : you found it

Sf sms : found what? observation.

My sms : My blogspot

Sf sms : I wish! what is the add? you've told me it has been deleted. hasn't you?

My sms : Nevermind...you've read my body language. Glad that we managed to clear the things off. Till now i'm still trying my very best not to fall in love with you. Friendship is above all.

Actually i alredy in love with SF since we met walaupun ianya tidak pernah diluahkan...dan semalam segala persoalan sudah terjawab. To a 'mystery visitor' who wrote in my guest book...you are totally correct that i'm barking at the wrong tree and at my own shadow and stuck in my own shadow chasing game but I've proven that i have the balls to say it to SF without using my so called larger than life EGOCENTRIC as the shield or camouflarge.

Dan luka itu kembali berdarah...sayang ku pada SF adalah suatu yang tersendiri. Tiada mempunyai unsur-unsur berbau nafsu ghairah...malah aku tidak pernah terfikir untuk sampai ketahap itu. Dan aku tidak akan berhenti setakat itu untuk menyayanginya...and this is the price that i have to pay...

"My Immortal" by evanescence

my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

Dan hubungan kami semakin dingin membeku...

Kesilapan Ku, Keegoan Mu

Besar kesilapanku besar lagi kesilapanmu
Hampa yang kau rasakan hampa lagi perasaanku
Kau cuba menyatakan aku
Menbuat kesilapan
Yang tak mungkin kau maafkan lagi
Ku tak mungkin kau perlu di sisi

Besar kesalahanku besar lagi keegoanmu
Berkali ku beri alasan berkali-kali kau menolaknya
Kau ingin ku menyatakan
Diri ini bagai lilin
Dan terbakar oleh perbuatanmu

Suasana sepi kini menambahkan bening
Di dalam hatiku
Mengadil silapmu biar di jiwamu aku telah tiada
Di waktu begini diusik kenangan silam
Yang bertandang
Lalu ku biarkan
Ia menabahkan hati ini

Kekasihku cukup engkau buat ku begini
Luka ini usah engkau berdarahkan kembali
Aku masih cinta padamu
Aku masih setia padamu
Kembalilah engkau padaku seperti dahulu

Di dalam rindu ku menangis
Di dalam kalbu ku terasa
Teringatmu di kala derita
Yang memisahkan kita

Di dalam sedu ku berseru
Yang terukir di dalam hatiku
Kekasih bukalah pintu
Untuk sekali ini
Aku cinta kepadamu