Thursday, August 26, 2004

Suatu Titik Noktah (by Zack)

It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. He called and said he was coming up. It was the third time he came up to see me that week. I carried his excuse of why he came all the way here and went to meet him at the nearby food stall. He was standing there alone, carrying his umbrella. His friend had dropped him off. It was raining and he was shivering. He looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep him warm. I walked up to him and said, "engkau tak perlu lagi datang berjumpa dengan aku," and stuff like how we shouldn't be together. He said, "I miss you." I told him coldly, "jom aku hantar engkau balik." He did not open up his umbrella, I knew he wanted to share mine. I said, "bukak ler payung engkau tu." Unwillingly, he opened up his umbrella and walked with me to the car. He said he hadn't eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat. Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!" Disappointed, he asked me to take him to the bus station, he said he would take the bus back home. Maybe it was the rain, all the buses were full of people with umbrellas who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, he looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what he meant. I understand how he must feel when he came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat him like this. With his soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let him stay for the night. However, reality struck again, I said to him coldly, "jom kita cuba stesyen bas yang lain."

In The States, we were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then, there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes driving across the country. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with this guy. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After he graduated he went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish my studies. During that year, I was only able to send an aerogramme, which was how we kept the treasured relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road. He was in front of me and I was right behind him. His umbrella had a broken spoke. He looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying his rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, he was too into thinking or whatever he was doing, drifting off the road, he almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take him in my arms, but with the love I had for him, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the cafe where we use to always go. He begged and said, "jom kita masuk kesana kejap, aku janji akan terus balik lepas ini."

With his begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the cafe. I was just sitting on the chair looking like I wanted to leave. He went to the wall and he was looking for something. I knew he was looking for what we wrote on that wall with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Adam & Zaiful was here, Adam had tea and Zaiful was drinking coffee latte. Hope Adam and Zaiful would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." he was looking around for quite a while, then he came back slowly with tears on his eyes. he said, "Adam, aku tak jumpa ler." I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "boleh tak kita pergi sekarang?" I opened up my big black umbrella, he was just standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. he said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"

I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the bus station, didn't say a word to each other. Few months ago, my family wanted me to get married with the girl of their choice. Thinking that it was about time for me to settle down. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and Zaiful, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about it. Zaiful shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to him. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke his heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years's feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon to be a husband to my wife. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end that was what I had in mind. The buses are still full, so I called a taxi for him. We were just standing there, waiting, and loosing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to him, "jaga diri awak baik-baik ya, take good care of yourself." He didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up his misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for him and he got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from him forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see him. I wanted to tell him I still love him, I wanted to tell him to stay, I wanted to tell him so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold raindrops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside. He left, and I did not get anymore of his phone calls even until today. I know he did not see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Adam, I'm that guy Zaiful, using my memory, and his diary I received after one year since he left, writing down these last words.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Dia akan melansungkan pertunangan bersama gadis pilihannya pada cuti hujung minggu ini. Perasaan aku tika ini amat sukar dimengertikan, tapi yang pasti ianya sudah berakhir dan aku akan senantiasa mendoakan kebahagiaannya. It will take times for me to forget about him, terlalu banyak perkara yang dilalui bersama dan setiap perkara, tempat dan masa akan sentiasa mengingatkan aku padanya.

Seminggu yang lalu aku telah berkenalan dengan seseorang yang tiba-tiba muncul dalam hidupku, dia seorang yang menepati ciri-ciri yang aku inginkan akan tetapi perasaan ku padanya masih belum bercambah. Kawan-kawan menasihatkan aku agar melupakan SF dan bina kehidupan baru bersama dia yang baru kukenali ini. Well it sounds very simple but unfortunately its not. Aku telah berterus terang dengan MZ tentang keadaan yang aku hadapi tika ini dimana aku didalam proses untuk melupakan SF, akan tetapi aku tidak mempunyai perancangan to have another relationship dalam masa yang terdekat ini.

MZ seorang yang begitu understanding, dia banyak memberi aku ruang untuk diriku sendiri, kekadang tu aku berasa serba salah terhadapnya. Aku pernah berkata padanya bahawa aku perlukan masa untuk menghadapi situasi ini dan terpulang padanya untuk meneruskan hubungan ini (which i think it is too soon). I always tell him that we just go with the flow, let times tell.

Friday, August 20, 2004

2 hari lepas time aku balik kerja my mum still awake. Aikk....adakah aku pulang cepat atau dia tidur lewat. Biasanya kalau aku balik rumah dan my mum tak tidur lagi aku akan lepak dan berborak bersamanya dulu untuk seketika sebelum aku naik kebilik. She said that she'll be leaving to Beijing in early october right away after her trip to India in mid september. At least this time dia bagi tahu kat aku in really advance time...kalau tidak dulu semuanya like one or two days before departure time. Pernah ada one time tu dia call time aku tengah dalam meeting, suruh aku pergi collect her flight ticket for her departure malam tu.

My mum ni memang seorang yang busy dengan aktiviti-aktivitinya bersama rakan-rakanya yang lain. Last sunday she just came back from tioman and before that she was in JB & Singapore with my cousin for a week. But in between that she was in Sabah for couple of days to attend her biras funeral in Sandakan, time tu aku kena pick her up from KL Sentral arrival from Singapore, bilamana she received a call from her brother telling about the bad news. My mum terus ler berpatah balik ke KLIA via ERL after i managed to get her on the next flight to KK at 2 pm. Kesian aku tengok my mum, tapi nak buat macam mana dah itu kehendaknya lagipun duduk rumah pun boring.

Dia selalu pesan kat our relatives kalau nak datang rumah kena call dulu just in case if she is in town or not. Bagi aku biarlah dia nak kemana pun as long she is happy lagi pun this is the time sebab anak-anak semuanya dah besar panjang. Aku jugak ler yang masih tersadai di KL
Pagi tadi didalam radio era they are talking about PMR. Zaman aku dulu kami panggil SRP atau yang lagi dulu-dulu dipanggil LCE. Kalau difikirkan sekarang tak ler susah sangat sebab ianya hanya tandakan jawapan yang betul sahaja dan kalau susah sangat buntu mencari jawapan, baling aja buah dadu...hehehe.

Aku menduduki SRP dalam tahun 1985 dimana tika itu aku bersekolah disalah sebuah sekolah berasrama penuh di Terengganu. Tension giler jugak ler time tu sebab kalau tak dapat target yang ditetapkan maka aku akan ditendang keluar kesekolah biasa...mana nak taruk muka beb. Aku ni bukannya jenis suka study, prep malam pun sibuk buat homework dan kekadang tu tertidur. Bila balik hostel sibuk rendam maggi dan kekadang tu lepak kat cafeteria sambil minum coffee dan makan biskut, late night study memang jauh sekali lain ada ...anthropology hahahaha.

My personal target during that time is 7 Aggregate, berangan tu tapi study malas. Bila keputusan keluar aku hanya dapat 10 Aggregate...frust jugak ler sebab ramai geng aku dapat 8 Aggregate keatas. Anyway aku masih boleh meneruskan pengajian ku disekolah yang sama.
Rinduku padanya sesekali datang bertandang dan aku adakalanya tewas dengan emosi sendiri.

Tangisan dalam kerinduan - Farah

Dalam kerinduan ini
Kumenatap gambar wajah mu di ruang kamar
Rintihan asmara kau dan aku
Kini tinggal memori yang menghirisi kalbu
Duhai bayu
Sampaikan salam pada dirinya
Nyatakan betapa pilu
Perpisahan semua ku redhai
Dalam tangis penuh syahdu
Kau mendustai percintaan diri ku
Setelah aku memberi segala galanya
Pengorbanan ku dikau persiakan
Oh mengapa
Tangisan dalam kerinduan ini
Menjadi kehidupan ku tidak menentu
Retakan bak dihempas kaca
Oh mengapa
Ku masih merindui mu walau tidak dijodohkan
Suratan takdir telah menentukan nya
Ku masih mencintai mu hingga ke akhir hayatku
Biarku simpan perasaan ini kasih
Izinkan ku membawa diri
Bayu sampaikan salam perpisahan oh dari ku
Oh mengapa
Tangisan dalam kerinduan ini
Menjadi kehidupan ku tidak menentu
Retakan bak dihempas kaca
Oh mengapa
Ku masih merindui mu walau tidak dijodohkan
Suratan takdir telah menentukan nya
Ku masih mencintai mu hingga ke akhir hayatku
Biarku simpan perasaan ini kasih
Izinkan ku membawa diri
Bayu sampaikan salam perpisahan oh dari ku

...dan tangisan dalam kerinduan ku datang menjengah di malam yang dingin ini...

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Satu percutian yang last minute & ad hoc

Memang tak plan lansung, tika aku bangun pagi tu tetiba aja aku rasa aku nak pergi somewhere dan terus aku teringatkan highway pantai timur yang baru dibuka…idea bagus tu. Terus aku menelefon teman ku Z untuk join sama dan memang nasib aku baik dia terus bersetuju together with Z punya DIA. Percutian ad hoc ni dah biasa aku buat Cuma jarang dapat cari orang yang nak ikut sama maklum ler last minute.

10:35 am – kami sudah pun tiba di tol gombak dan terus meninggalkan kuala Lumpur untuk seketika. Perut lapar tapi keinginan untuk mengetahui tempoh perjalanan mengatasi segalanya. ½ jam kemudian kami telah tiba di tol Bentong. Aku tak ler bawak laju sangat dalam 120 – 140 km per hour jer.

11:30 am – tiba di persimpangan susur keluar ke Bandar temerluh, ini bermakna dari KL ke kampung aku cuma mengambil masa 1 jam dimana jalan lama dulu ianya mengambil masa lebih kurang 2 jam. Boleh ler selalu balik kampung heheheheh balik hari jer.

12:32 noon – kami tiba di tol susur keluar Bandar kuantan, wah seronoknya bukan kepalang kerana kami tiba seperti waktu yang dijangka. Tapi kalau aku drive mengikut peraturan hadlaju, mau jugak 2 ½ jam baru sampai dan paling lewat 3 jam kalau asyik berhenti jer.

1:00 pm – kami dah pun berada digerai makan di tepi sungai didalam Bandar kuantan. Masa kecik2 dulu arwah ayahanda sering membawa kami kesini makan sate. Rabak jugak aku RM30 dek kerana makan udang dan sotong, well what the heck.

2:00 pm – kami gerak ke Pantai Telok Cempedak, aman damai rasanya seketika dapat tengok laut. Plan asal nak ke cherating dan kemaman tapi memandangkan masa yg suntuk dan aku memang dah ada plan nak tgk Konsert AF so aku lupakan aja, maybe next time. Puas jugak cuci mata kat TC heheheh. Tapi sebelum tu sempat jugak ke Beserah beli bahulu beserah yg sedap tu.

4:30 pm – kami bertolak pulang ke KL, This time Z yg drive coz aku ngantuk plak.

6:30 pm – kami tiba di KL dan terus menghantar Z dan DIA pulang dan lepas tu aku terus bergegas kerumah SF untuk menjemput dia tengok konsert AF kat rumah M di AH Desa Pandan.

8:00 pm – aku dan SF tiba dirumah M. SH dan A pun ada sama menonton sambil menjamu selera dengan makanan yang dibeli oleh mereka. Kesian plak tengok Mas kena keluar tapi nak buat mcm mana kan.

11:00 pm – kami semua bersiap untuk keluar clubbing

my weekend pada hari tu berakhir jam 5:00 am after one whole day merayau sampai ke Kuantan. For me its normal coz aku biasa buat kerja gila ni.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Semalam adalah kali pertama aku missed konsert akademi fantasia kerana menghadiri satu majlis perkahwinan, dimana aku telah di pertanggungjawabkan untuk menguruskannya oleh my boss. Furthermore he is my boss business partner and he came all the way from UK. Aku hanya diberi masa seminggu to organise it...bayangkan ler betapa singkatnya masa yg diberi dengan keadaan kesihatan aku yang agak terganggu semenjak kebelakangan ini. Namun begitu semuanya telah berlalu dengan penuh jayanya, yang best tu my boss kasi aku pakai kereta lexus beserta drivernya sekali untuk aku kesana kemari selama beberapa hari...but of course aku tak duduk kat seat belakang.

So pagi ni aku dah bangun awal buat breakfast for myself...sandwich bakar and Coffee and pegi beli newspaper. Tepat jan 10:30 am aku dah terpacak depan TV menonton siaran ulangan konsert AF @channel 15...gigih. Semuanya best-best belaka dan yang paling menyentuh adalah persembahan BOB dan rakan-rakannya yang lain membawakan lagu 'Alhamdulillah'. Buat kali pertama aku begitu meneliti setiap bait lirik didalam lagu ini yang begitu menyentuh hati...alhamdulillah...alhamdulillah...alhamdulillah...ayat yang mungkin jarang aku gunakan, bukan sengaja mungkin terlupa. Semuga aku sentiasa mengucapkannya...

Alhamdulillah by Too Phat

disaat waktu berhenti...kosong
dimensi membutakan mata,memekakkan telinga
lalu diri menjadi hampa
saat paradigma dunia tak lagi digunakan untuk menerka*
sadarku akan hadirmu,mematahkan sendi2 yang biasanya tegak berdiri

ult li albi bissaraha (I'm opening up my heart with honesty)
hayya nab'idil karaha (Let's avoid the hated and hatred)
syakkireena a' kulli ni'ma (Let's remain thankful with what we have)
ba' ideena anil fattana (Let's avoid all lies and sins)

merenungi luar jendela,mengagumi kebesaran yang Maha Esa
ku menilai kehidupan dari sudut berbeza
tak memadai hanya kecapi rasa selesa
maukan harta yang mampu beli 1 semesta
berpesta ke pagi botol bergelimpangan
kekasih muda bukan takat berpegang tangan
harta dan jamuan nafsu tidak berkekalan
bila menjelang tua bukan itu jadi bekalan
dan jangan puisi ini disalah tafsir pula
bukan berkhutbah cuma betuli diri jua
ingin hidup sempurna aset nilai berjuta,
saling tukar wanita,senyum dan mati tua
bakat dikurnia jangan disalah guna
jangan kufur nikmat yang diberi percuma
guna kelebihan untuk hikmah bersama
jagalah nama hidup penuh pementasan dan drama
ada berisi ada yang kurus,ada melencong ada yang lurus bukan semuanya tulus
ada sempuna ada kurang upaya ada yang jadi buta hanya bila sudah kaya
sebesar rumah bermula dengan sekecil bata,boleh hilang dalam sekelip mata
ucaplah alhamdulillah bukannya sukar, kerna semua nak kaya atau besar
tetap Allahuakbar!!!

jadikanlah ku tentera Fisabilillah yang tertera di kalimah harap memanduilah
entah apabila persimpangan tiba,hidup penuh rintangan harus kuhadapinya
harapku tidak terlupa diri bila gembira,dan cuma mula mencari kau disaat hiba
ku cuma manusia penuh dengan kesilapan tapi bisa membezakan cahaya dan kegelapan
tabah bila dihalangan duri onak dan cobaan
teguh bila dicobakan keruh kuasa dan perempuan
sentiasa legar diminda,dikejar dan dipinta dari zaman bermula hingga ke akhirnya
ku mengerti siapa ku tanpamu disisi dan apa guna posesi juga posisi
sementara ini cuma hanya puisi,nukilan tulisan dan bisikan isi hati
mencari keterangan,menjiwai peranan menepati pesanan janji juga saranan
alhamdulillah atas kurniaan rezeki,moga tidak terleka dalam perjalanan ini

aku yang memandang di dalam lubuk hati,mencari-cari zat rahsia yang katanya tersembunyi
aku yang melihat alam meliputi wujud menyertai lalu ku pindahkan alam ke dalam mata hati
aku hakiki,aku mengerti segala yang terjadi di langit dan di bumi
gunanya tiada fantasi, pelik dan benar,qada' dan qadar kau berilah ku kekuatan
agar dapat ku hindarkan segala kesesatan
usah kau biar nafsuku terliur dari pandangan majazi ini,
aku yang hodoh lagi hina amat benar merindui
moga cahaya lailatul tak membutakan mataku,semoga segala puji tak ku meninggi diri
moga segala janji dapat juga ku penuhi,moga dapatku hadapi tikaman dari belakang
lidah setajam pisau, ku tidak akan risau dengan cabaran sepanjang perjalanan
ku pasrah ku akur 7,8,6 Alhamdulillah Syukur...

sujudku pun takkan memuaskan inginku
'tuk hanturkan* sembah sedalam kalbu
adapun kusembahkan syukur padamu ya Allah
untuk nama,harta dan keluarga yang mencinta
dan perjalanan yang sejauh ini tertempa
alhamdulillah pilihan dan kesempatan
yang membuat hamba mengerti lebih baik makna diri
semua lebih berarti akan mudah dihayati